That's what Dallas said to me today as I was getting ready for my Drs appointment. Mama's Sweet Boy... I was so excited because I went in public w/out kids! Well, Shane took me and Devin picked me up (they both had classes today but not at the same time. My brakes are getting done) Dev even brought me a Pepsi! The appointment was more of the same. Standard follow up every 2 months for the past 6 yrs. We talked again about phys. therapy. Having no medical insur. makes it pretty close to impossible to attend right now. I am going to start stretching in the pool again as well as what I do in the house. I have a Yoga dvd that I bought oh 'bout 10 months ago? I need to find it and actually *play* it. Maybe I could get Britt to do it with me...I have also decided that I really have to quit talking and get moving on adding to the stretches. Can't push too much or I won't be able to move, however I know I can do a little more than I have been.
I have been also working on some things within myself lately. You know how you say ____ is what I need to change about myself. But its not easy to change. I've been dealing with allot of anger and bitterness over the last couple years. I'm not saying it was unjustified. Thats not the issue. The issue is:
1. These emotions have had and are continuing to have a negative effect in the way I treat people. It is breeding more of the same within me.
2. Lets be honest, who wants to be around someone who is angry and bitter all the time? I don't even want to be around me at that point.
3. When was the last time anger and bitterness solved *any* problem?
So I decided:
1. I am ready to turn it all over to God. He can deal with it much better than me. Here's the thing, I've said I was going to do this several times, but have always picked my junk back up and never really let go. This time I feel different. I am ready.
2. I am ready to trust that God is in control and I want what He wants for us. That doesn't mean I sit and do nothing. It means I quit fighting and be the grown up that takes advice, makes an informed decision and goes on. I don't just do what I want b/c I want it and its all about me!
4. B/c I am letting go of all these negatives, I have more room in my heart to give my love and trust and respect and support to those who deserve it. And I am right to expect that the same be given to me, but that does not necessarily mean the way I envision it, but rather the reality based option.
5. I choose Love. I choose to go back to the beginning to the very first day. Although there have been a million life times worth of stress, confusion, anger, loneliness, abandonment, disbelief and resentment in between, I choose to finally say OK. That is over and now I still choose to put my love and trust in the one who captured it to begin with. And we are stronger for it. And deep deep inside, we are 2 halves of a circle that has come back around.
And now comes the hardest part for me: Patience because things take time. I do my part and don't worry about anyone else's actions. And I know...I KNOW I will see a change. I already feel it in me. In fact, I keep asking myself, why isn't this hard now? The answer is: It's not hard any more because I'm truely ready and it's right.
It is late. I need to go to bed.
I almost forgot to mention that I worked on Sweet Child of Mine too.
G'nite~m
Mama loves u... 1:48 AM
